Chuck Bartowski sat by himself in the Nerd Herd booth. It was yet another slow day at the Buy More – between Valentine’s Day and Easter, there wasn’t much call for tech stuff right at the moment. In days past, he might have just gone home, but since his promotion to assistant manager, that was no longer an option.
He was working on a evil-level Sudoku puzzle when an Outlook message popped up. You have one new message from undisclosed sender, it said.
Chuck narrowed his eyes. Curious, he clicked on it – and his eyes went wide when the subject popped up.
Information regarding Sarah Walker, the subject line read. Chuck’s hand started to shake as he double-clicked on the subject line to open the e-mail.
The body of the e-mail simply said, I have information regarding the whereabouts of Sarah Walker. Please click here to proceed.
Chuck’s heart felt like it had stopped as he slowly moved the mouse to the hyperlink. Hoping against all hope, he slowly depressed the mouse button.
Firefox popped up, a new tab opened. It went to one address, then redirected several times –
And finally stopped on a YouTube page. To Chuck’s dismay, Rick Astley appeared and began singing “Never Gonna Give You Up.”
“Seriously?!” he uttered in disbelief. “GODDAMMIT!”
Mouth set in a tight, thin line, he re-opened the e-mail and pulled up the edit view. He told Outlook to show him the header of the e-mail, and got its originating IP address.
Muttering to himself, Chuck pulled up a tracer program that he really wasn’t supposed to have but that John Casey had been kind enough to provide him with. He entered the IP address into the program –
The e-mail had come from a computer in the repair cage, in the back of the store.
Eyes ablaze, muttering imprecations against whatever soon-to-be-dead bastard had done this, Chuck stormed toward the back of the store. He heard laughter as he entered the stock room.
And sure enough, there were Jeff and Lester, at a computer in the cage. They were oblivious to his presence as he walked up – they were too engrossed in watching, and re-watching what was clearly video from a camera set up to capture Chuck’s reaction.
“Good afternoon, gentlemen,” Chuck said in a low and deadly voice.
The two Nerd Herders both spun around, rather surprised to see him standing there. “Having fun, are we?” Chuck asked.
“Uh… not sure what you’re talking about,” Lester replied, trying to move to exit the cage. Chuck backed up into the doorway, blocking his exit.
“Let me see if I have this correct,” Chuck mused. “On company time, you set up a fake e-mail account with a masked IP address, and used it to send me an e-mail that I thought would give me information about one of the most horrific events of my life, which turned out to just be you guys rickrolling me. On top of that, you used company equipment to carry this out and video record it. Does that sound about right?”
Jeff and Lester looked at each other, and then Jeff spoke. “Dude, it was just a joke.”
“Fine,” Chuck replied, his voice tight. “You can carry out your jokes elsewhere. You’re both fired.”
7:00 P.M., Mountain Standard Time
Wednesday, March 4th, 2009
The Estate House, Scottsdale, Arizona
“Wait, wait, back up,” Veronica said in disbelief. “You fired them because they rickrolled you? Come on, Chuck, I’ve done that to all kinds of people!”
Chuck shook his head. “No, I fired them because they decided it would be fun to mess with my head, and use company time and equipment to do so.”
“Okay,” Veronica replied, apparently not convinced. “So what happened after that?”
“FIRED?!” Lester shouted. “You can’t just fire us, Chuck!”
“California’s an at-will employment state, Lester,” Chuck shot back. “I can fire you at any time for any reason.”
“This is bullshit!” Lester replied. “I will see your head roll over this, Bartowski.”
“Whatever,” Chuck said. “Right now, you’re gonna get out of the store.”
“What are you gonna do if I don’t, Chuck?!”
Chuck just raised his eyebrow, then picked up the cage phone. He dialed 142.
“Buy More Security, this is Lucas.”
“Lucas, hi. Chuck Bartowski. Listen, I’m back in the cage, and I need two former employees escorted from the store.”
“Former employees?”
“Lester Amanpoor and Jeff Farley.”
There was a pause on the other end. “Since when are Lester and Jeff former employees?”
“Since they got fired two minutes ago.”
“Ooookay, Chuck,” Lucas replied slowly. “I’ll have an officer down there in a moment.”
Lester looked at Chuck in disbelief. “You’re gonna make us do a perp walk out of the store?”
Chuck shrugged. “It’s either that or you can leave of your own volition.” He turned his back and walked back out into the store. Lester and Jeff followed him, both looking shocked.
When they reached the Nerd Herd desk, Chuck held out his hand. “Your access badges, please.”
Jeff slowly pulled his off and handed it to Chuck, but Lester stood his ground. He glared at Chuck for a moment, and then…
Moving quickly, he grabbed the microphone for the P.A. “Your attention, please,” he spat out, rapid-fire. “My name is Lester Amanpoor. I work at the Nerd Herd desk, and I have just been fired for rickrolling our assistant manager, CHARLES BARTOWSKI, who has absolutely no sense of humor.”
Chuck narrowed his eyes and ripped the P.A. from Lester’s hand. “No, that’s wrong,” he replied, the volume of his voice getting higher. “I’m firing you because you decided it would be funny to mess with my head and make me think you knew something about THE WOMAN I LOVED!”
Chuck spat out the last words with such force that Lester physically recoiled from him. “BADGE,” Chuck growled, holding out his hand. Lester pulled off his badge and handed it to him. “Now get the FUCK OUT.”
He watched with no small degree of satisfaction as Lester and Jeff scurried out of the store. He was so focused on them that he didn’t even notice that Big Mike had walked up behind him.
“Bartowski,” Big Mike said softly. Chuck spun around, startled. “My office, now.”
Chuck hung his head and followed the store manager back to his office. “What can I do for you, Big Mike?” he asked quietly after the door had shut behind him.
Big Mike sat down at his desk, not saying a word. He pulled out a file folder and opened it. “When was the last time you took a vacation, Bartowski?”
“Um…” Chuck thought for a moment. “I’m really not sure.”
“Try the fifth of never, Bartowski. You haven’t taken a single vacation since you started working here almost six years ago. You didn’t take one after your girlfriend died last year. And you know what happens when you don’t take a vacation?”
“No, sir. What’s that?”
“You end up flying off the handle and cussing out a former employee in the middle of the store. Now, I’m not saying you should unfire Jeff and Lester – hell, I’m glad to get rid of those two losers – but I do think it’s time for you to take a few days off, get the hell out of Los Angeles, go somewhere with that new girlfriend of yours for some R&R, if you get what I mean.”
“So it was Big Mike’s idea for us to come to Scottsdale?” Veronica asked. “I’m confused.”
“What?” Chuck replied. “No, it was my idea for us to come to Scottsdale. It was Big Mike’s idea for me to take a vacation.”
Veronica shook her head. “Right,” she said. “Sorry, blonde moment.”
“Either that, or it’s a testament to the staying power of those cocktails you’ve been putting away,” Chuck replied.
“Or, to the fact that I’m five foot one and weigh a hundred pounds soaking wet, perhaps?” Veronica replied with a giggle. “I have absolutely no alcohol tolerance.”
Chuck rested his head on his right hand. “And yet you’ve had a margarita, a Long Island Iced Tea, and three mojitos.”
She nodded with a smile. “Yep.”
That’s when Chuck heard somebody call his name. Puzzled, he looked up. Who would be calling his name –
“Oh, no,” he groaned.
“What is it, Chuck?” Veronica asked.
“My worst nightmare,” Chuck replied unhappily.
The source of the voice came sauntering up to Chuck and Veronica’s table. “Why, hello there, sexy.”
Chuck gritted his teeth. “Hello, Carina.”
“Hi, Chuck,” the DEA agent replied, flirtatiously as always. She slid into the booth next to Chuck, making sure to get as close to him as she could. “So, how’s life?” she asked, gently brushing a curl off his forehead.
Chuck turned bright red, and Veronica’s eyes flashed. “Excuse me, who the hell are you?” she asked.
“I’m Chuck’s friend, Carina,” she replied innocently. “Are you Chuck’s little sister? So cute.”
“I am his GIRLFRIEND,” Veronica growled. “Kindly get your hands the hell off him.”
“Oh, my, I’m SO sorry,” Carina gasped, putting a hand to her mouth in mock horror. “Where ARE my manners?” And with that, she leaned in to Chuck, and gently kissed him on the cheek.
Veronica looked like she was about to explode. “Let me rephrase that,” she hissed. Reaching into her purse, she pulled out her badge wallet, and let it fall open. “Special Agent Veronica Mars, Federal Bureau of Investigation. Still Chuck’s girlfriend.”
Carina rolled her eyes. “Oh, I can play too,” she shot back, pulling out her own badge. “Special Agent Carina Hansen, Drug Enforcement Administration. Still gonna steal Chuck out from under your nose.”
Veronica’s right eye started to twitch. Uh-oh, thought Chuck. But before he could say anything, Veronica had reached back into her purse. Her hand came back out with a gun the size of a small field artillery piece.
Chuck’s eyes went wide as the .44 caliber Desert Eagle came out, and time seemed to slow down as the gun swung up to point at Carina’s head. Carina, with years of experience behind her, moved with cat-like reflexes. Her hand went behind her back, and came back out with her Walther P9.
“Okay, I think this is completely unnecessary,” Chuck said, his voice shaking, as the two women stood across the table from one another, guns pointed at each other’s foreheads. The restaurant had gone dead silent.
“Just put the guns away,” he continued. “Veronica, you’ve had too much to drink. This isn’t going to help anything.”
“Hers goes away first,” Veronica said, her eyes not leaving Carina’s head.
“Not a chance in hell,” Carina spat back.
Chuck sighed. How the hell was he going to get out of this?
Then he had a flash of inspiration. “Carina,” he said quietly, “if you hope to ever get anything from me, you will put your gun away right now.”
Carina’s concentration wavered, and then her gun dropped. “That’s playing dirty, Chuck,” she complained as she tucked the gun back into her waistband.
With Carina’s gun out of the picture, Veronica slowly lowered hers and put it away. “I think it’s time for you to leave, Carina,” Chuck said quietly.
“I think it’s time for ALL of you to leave!” came a new voice.
Chuck looked over to the end of the table. A tall, skinny man with graying hair stood there, an outraged look on his face. “Who the hell are you?!” Veronica asked indignantly.
“I’m Fred Unger! I own this place! Get the hell out!”
Well, if the owner was telling them to get out, they really didn’t have a choice. Carina exited the booth, and Chuck and Veronica followed in her wake.
Once they reached the outside of the restaurant, Carina turned to Chuck. “You know, of course, I’m going to hold you to what you said in there.”
Chuck looked at her as if she’d lost her mind. “I never promised you anything,” he said. “I just said that the only possible way anything might ever happen was if you put your gun away.”
“Whatever you say, big boy,” Carina replied with a devious smile. “When I come to collect, it’s gonna blow your mind.”
She sauntered off down the waterfront, purposefully exaggerating the sway of her hips as she walked away. Chuck couldn’t help but watch her perfectly-formed posterior in those incredibly tight jeans –
“Ow!” A sharp smack to the back of his head brought him back to reality.
“You want to explain what that was all about?” his dangerously inebriated girlfriend with a gun demanded.
Chuck sighed. “Carina was a… well, I guess a friend of Sarah’s. She showed up back in the fall of 2007 on a mission with the DEA. We had to work with her, and she tried to seduce me then. She said she liked taking the things Sarah wanted, and I guess she has now extended that philosophy to you.”
Veronica raised an eyebrow. “You wouldn’t let her follow through on that, would you?”
Chuck shrugged. “If I was single, maybe…”
Veronica’s eyes narrowed. “You’re not single, bub.”
“Then not a chance in hell,” Chuck replied. “I like you too much to do something like that.”
Veronica nodded – and then started walking away, in the direction of their hotel. “Wait!” Chuck said. “What’s wrong?”
Veronica shook her head. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I guess, just that whole thing really made me angry… and, you know, you’re clearly still not over Sarah.”
Those words stopped Chuck in his tracks. “What?” His voice registered shock. “What are you talking about?”
Veronica turned to face him, a sad look on her face. “You fired two of your employees for pulling a silly prank, all because it had her name on it. That doesn’t sound like you’re over her to me.”
Chuck sighed. “Veronica, listen,” he said. “I miss her a great deal. She was my best friend, and it still hurts to not have her around. But I lo… uh, I like you a lot. I really want to make this work.”
Veronica’s eyes went wide. “What did you just say?”
Chuck closed his eyes and shook his head. “No… please don’t. Just… please, accept what I said for what it’s worth.”
She nodded and smiled. “Alright,” she said slowly. “I guess I can let that be enough.”
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