Friday, February 29, 2008

Chuck vs. the Airsoft Gun, Chapter 2

I was having a real problem with finding anywhere to go with my stories that crossed over with Doctor Who, Pushing Daisies, and Firefly. So, I decided to go back to the well and write a second part to one of my original Chuck – and ONLY Chuck – stories. And I think I may have gotten the creative juices flowing JUST ENOUGH to get back to those other stories.

Also, there’s been a bit of chatter over in the Chuck Fanfiction forum on Television Without Pity these last few days about how there are certain “cues” that Sarah has that a lot of fanfic writers include in their stories. So, just for shits and giggles, I decided to see just how many of those I could work in.

Enjoy!


“Chuck.”

“Morgan.”

“You know what we haven’t done in a while?”

“There’s many things we haven’t done in a while, Morgan. There’s a very good reason for most of those, too.”

“Yeah, but I’m thinking one thing in particular.”

“All right, Morgan, what haven’t we done in a while?”

“Battle Royale at the Buy More Arena.”

Chuck looked up sharply and set down his PS3 controller. “No. Absolutely not. No way.”

“Aw, come on, Chuck,” Morgan whined. “It was so much fun last time!”

“And last time, we missed ONE pellet –“

“You and Sarah missed ONE pellet, buddy. I had nothing to do with the cleanup.”

“- fine, I missed ONE pellet, and Harry Tang tore a strip off of me and stuck you in the Hole for a week.”

“While I do recall with great displeasure my banishment to Buy More Hell for that unfortunate week, I also seem to recall that shortly after the end of that week, Harry Tang packed up and moved to Hawai’i,” Morgan shot back. “Post hoc, no more Harry Tang; ergo propter hoc, bust out the Airsoft guns!”

Chuck’s jaw dropped open. He stared at Morgan, dumbfounded. “Did… did you just properly use a Latin phrase to explain a causality occurrence?” he asked, incredulous.

Morgan’s smile turned incredibly smug. “You betcha.”

“How in the hell… how could you have possibly known that?”

“Some secrets are not meant to be known,” Morgan obfuscated.

Chuck just stared at him for a moment, and then it occurred to him in a flash – a flash of inspiration, not an Intersect flash. “You’ve been watchingThe West Wing, haven’t you?”

Morgan’s expression went from smug to crestfallen so quickly that Chuck could almost hear his face fall. “Aw, that’s not fair…”

Chuck wasn’t any less confused, though. “Why were you watching The West Wing? You have no interest whatsoever in politics, you don’t like Martin Sheen…”

“I don’t likemodern Martin Sheen,” Morgan corrected him. “Apocalypse Now Martin Sheen was a god among men.”

Chuck just looked at his oldest friend, and then it came to him. “You’ve been watching it because it’s one of Ellie’s favorite shows, and you’re having trouble coming to terms with the fact that she’s engaged.”

Morgan immediately got defensive. “No, that’s not it at all! I just… um… well…”

“Morgan, come on.”

Morgan seemed to deflate, and literally drooped before Chuck’s eyes. “Yeah. You’re right. As usual.”

Chuck sighed. “Alright,” he said, defeated. There was no way he could say no to Morgan now. “We’ll have a Battle Royale.”

Morgan immediately perked up. “Really? Friday night?”

“Yep, Friday night,” Chuck replied. “But we can’t miss a single Airsoft pellet this time…”

“…because if we do, Big Mike puts us on overnight stock duty for a month,” Morgan finished. “I know. We won’t miss anything.”

“Alright. We don’t miss anything,” Chuck warned. He reached out to flip the Playstation off. “I’ve got to go,” he said as the television switched back to Channel 4.

Paul Moyer appeared on the screen. “Senator Edward Kennedy landed at LAX today. He’s here to appear at a symposium at USC…”

Chuck’s eyes rolled back in his head as a flash started. Multiple images flashed before his eyes, but one in particular struck him.

“Shit,” he uttered, running out the door.

As Morgan stood in Chuck’s living room, a look of confusion plastered on his face, Chuck dashed across the courtyard to Casey’s apartment and started banging on the door.

Seconds later, Casey yanked the door open, gun in hand. “What the hell, Bartowski, are the four horsemen riding down the street?”

“No, no,” Chuck gasped. “Ted Kennedy’s speaking at USC tonight, and some fanatical anti-immigration group called the Patriot League is going to try to bump him off.”

Casey’s face hardened, and he pulled Chuck inside his apartment, slamming the door shut behind him. “Are you sure of this?”

“Positive,” Chuck replied. “I saw him on the news, and then I had a flash.”

“Christ,” Casey growled. “That’s all we need – a senator who supports immigrants’ rights and who just happens to have endorsed Barack Obama getting dead in Los Angeles.”

As if saying, Why me, Lord?, Casey threw his hands in the air and grunted. “Call Walker. I’ll call General Beckman. I’m pretty certain we’re going to have a mission on our hands tonight.”

Chuck nodded and stepped back outside, closing the door to Casey’s apartment behind him. He pulled out his phone and was about to call Sarah when Morgan came running up to him.

“Chuck, what was that all about?”

“Not now, Morgan!”

Morgan got an offended look on his face, and started to walk away.

“Dammit,” Chuck muttered. “Morgan, wait!”

“Are you sure, Chuck?” Morgan shot back. “You sure you have the time for me?”

“Yeah, I, uh, I just really, really wanted to consult with Casey on that Airsoft shotgun he used the last time.”

Morgan looked at Chuck, and then started to grin. “You thinking of getting some heavy armament for Friday night?”

“You betcha, buddy.”

“Alright then,” Morgan answered. “I’m out. I’ll probably drop by later, so make sure the window’s unblocked. And, you know, you and Sarah, you might want to not-“

“Morgan!”

“Peace!”

Shaking his head, Chuck hit the dial button on his iPhone. Halfway through the first ring, the phone was answered.

“Walker.”

“It’s Chuck. We’ve got a situation.”


“Bartowski was absolutely right,” General Beckman told them via the video link. “The Patriot League is apparently planning an assassination attempt against Senator Kennedy tonight. Major Casey was also absolutely right when he said we can’t afford for that to happen. I’ve spoken to the President, and he is going to be extremely unhappy if this isn’t stopped.”

“No pressure there, General,” Casey muttered.

“You’ll have backup, Casey,” General Beckman replied.

“Who, Walker and Bartowski?”

“No, you’ll have two FBI Special Agents and a number of agents from the local Secret Service office. Agent Walker can’t participate in this mission.”

“I’m sorry?” Sarah asked. “Why not?”

“You’re CIA, Agent Walker, and this is strictly a domestic operation. You’ll stay in the observation vehicle with Bartowski.”

“Aw, Sarah, you get to stay in the car with me,” Chuck cracked.

Sarah shot Chuck what could best be described as a LOOK. Chuck shut his mouth immediately.

“Is that a problem, Agent Walker?” General Beckman asked.

“No, ma’am,” Sarah replied, her voice tight.

“Alright then,” the General said. “Agent Walker, Bartowski, you’re dismissed.”

Sarah nodded. “Thank you,” Chuck said, following Sarah out the door.

As soon as they were outside, Sarah gave Chuck a bit of a shove, and though he didn’t think it felt playful, when he turned, she had a smile on her face.

“I ‘get’ to stay in the car with you?” she smirked. “Are you sure it’s not a sentence?”

“Hey, staying in the car is fun!” Chuck objected. “We can sit there and swap work stories… you know, how many computers I can fix in an hour, how many people you can kill in an hour…”

Sarah laughed and shook her head. “Besides, half the time, I end up not staying in the car anyway,” Chuck finished. “This could be one of those times.”

Sarah shook her head again, but this time it meant, “No. I have to stay in the van. General Beckman’s right. CIA can’t interfere with a domestic operation. There’s no foreign involvement in this one; if I get tangled up with it, it’ll open a whole can of worms, and that wouldn’t be good.”

Chuck nodded. “I guess that makes sense.”

He paused, as if he was thinking. “Ummm…”

“Yes?” Sarah said, a teasing note in her voice.

“Never mind.” Chuck shook his head. “I’ll talk to you about it later.”

Sarah cocked an eyebrow. “What?”

“Nothing,” Chuck insisted. “If I talk to you about it now, that’s one less thing to kill time in the observation van later.”

Sarah nodded thoughtfully. “Alright,” she replied. “Fair enough. Should I pick you up around, say, 6:30?”

“Actually,” Chuck said, “I was thinking about asking Devin if I can borrow his car. It seems to me that an Escape will get a lot less attention on a college campus than a Porsche or a Herder.”

“It’s USC, Chuck.”

“Right.” Chuck mentally smacked his forehead. “Alright, so, you’ll pick me up at 6:30.”

“Sounds like a plan,” she confirmed. Then, as if taking his appearance in for the first time, Sarah’s expression changed to one of amusement. Stepping toward him, she reached her hands around his the back of his neck, and adjusted his collar. “Your collar was flipped up in the back, and your tie is massively crooked,” she said, as she straightened and tightened his tie. “What exactly were you doing?”

Chuck, his breath having caught when Sarah’s hand brushed the back of his neck –God, I hate that she can still do that to me, he thought – took a moment to find his voice. “Uh, Morgan and I were playing GTA, and it got a little out of hand.”

“Clearly.” Sarah smiled. “By the way, before I pick you up tonight,” she reached up and brushed his bangs off his forehead, “you really should get a haircut. Your sister was right when she said your hair makes funny animal shapes. You’ve pretty much got a zoo up there.”

Chuck spread his hands in objection, his face taking on a look of mock horror. “A zoo? A ZOO?! How dare you, madam!”

Sarah laughed and rolled her eyes. “Oh, shut up. Go get a haircut. I’ll see you in a few hours.”


Sarah was incredibly jumpy. Between being stuck here in the van and having had that vanilla latte right at the beginning, she was crawling up the wall. Not that she wasn’t thankful for the coffee. She was incredibly amused – and a little bit touched – by the fact that Chuck was so observant that he’d figured out what she liked from Starbucks just from the few times they’d been together.

Of course, he WAS the human Intersect, so she figured it wasn’t THAT unexpected.

Chuck – with his hair now a good two inches shorter – had sucked down some iced thing that had been at least twice the size of Sarah’s coffee, but was showing no ill effects from it. She marveled at that fact, but had come to the conclusion that being a self-styled nerd, he probably consumed a much larger amount of caffeine than she did on a daily basis.

He had sat in almost meditative silence, his attention fixed on the monitors as Casey and his team of agents had methodically and quietly removed six of the seven suspects from the crowd inside the hotel. Those in attendance hadn’t even noticed.

However, suspect number seven was nowhere to be found. “This is ridiculous,” they heard Casey growl into his radio. “How is it that we can’t find a six foot tall, two hundred seventy pound Samoan guy?”

Sarah almost giggled, but choked it back. Chuck turned toward her and gave her a strange look.

“Did you… did you just giggle?” he asked.

She smiled, helplessly. “It’s the caffeine. I’m about to climb the walls.”

“Well, let’s take your mind off of it,” Chuck suggested. “It always works for me.”

“Okay,” Sarah replied. “Why don’t we start by talking about whatever it is you didn’t want to talk about earlier?”

“Oh.” Chuck shrugged. “It’s no big deal. Morgan just wants to have another Airsoft war in the Buy More, and I didn’t know if you’d be up for it.”

It was all Sarah could do to not start laughing. “Again?” She shook her head as a little bit of laughter escaped. “You know what, I did have a lot of fun last time. What the hell.”

“Just so you know,” Chuck warned her, “Morgan wants to do guys against girls this time.”

“So, you, Morgan, and Devin, against me, Ellie, and…”

“Anna,” Chuck finished. “She’s a pretty good shot, too. She was on the rifle team in high school –“

“High schools in California have rifle teams?”

“Private school in Orange County,” Chuck explained.

“What about Casey?”

“He begged off. He said he had a prior commitment, sorting through surveillance tapes… or… somethi…”

Chuck’s voice trailed off, as he leaned forward to look at one of his monitors.

“Chuck?”

Chuck put up a finger. He squinted his eyes, focusing on something on the screen, and then keyed his earpiece.

“Casey. There’s a heavyset Asian woman, about fifty feet to your left, in a purple gown… but I don’t think it’s a woman. I think that’s your suspect.”

“Roger that,” Casey replied. On the monitor, Chuck watched Casey turn and approach the woman from behind. As he did so, he pulled the badge the FBI had given him from his belt. He tapped the woman on the shoulder, and as she turned, Chuck heard Casey say, “FBI. You’re und-“

And the woman hauled off and punched Casey square in the nose. She took off running, with every agent in the room hot on her tail. Casey slowly got up, blood pouring from his nose. He looked up at the nearest surveillance camera. “Good call, Bartowski,” he said in a mix of half sincerity, half sarcasm.

Chuck tracked the suspect’s progress on the monitors. “She” shed her shoes and dress as she went, leaving a six foot tall, two hundred seventy pound Samoan guy thundering through the back halls of the conference center, wearing a t-shirt, shorts, and socks.

It took a moment for Chuck to realize, but then – “He’s coming our way!”

“Chuck, what the hell are you doing?” Sarah asked as he clambered into the driver’s seat.

“Just trust me,” was his cryptic answer.

Seconds later, the loading dock door fifty feet from them flew open, and the suspect came barreling out. “Perfect,” Chuck breathed

Realization and horror dawned on Sarah simultaneously as Chuck grabbed the door handle. “Chuck, what are –“

The suspect drew even with the driver’s door of the van, and Chuck flung it open as hard as he could. The suspect smashed into it at full tilt, his face shattering the window, and he crashed to the ground, blasted into unconsciousness.

Chuck was about to get out of the van, but Sarah reached past him and slammed the door shut. The shattered safety glass fell out of the door frame into the van, Chuck quickly scooting away from the door.

The agents came thundering up just then, Casey bringing up the rear. Sarah opened the sliding door, getting out of the van, and motioning for Chuck to follow.

As they came around the front of the van, Casey looked from the suspect to Chuck in disbelief. “Bartowski do this?” he asked through the paper towel held to his nose.

Sarah just nodded. Chuck smiled.

Casey grinned. “It’s a proud day for me,” he said. “I think Bartowski finally grew some balls.”


It was Battle Royale time.

Chuck had been scolded mildly by Sarah for his rather rash action to take down the suspect at USC, but Casey, Beckman, and Graham had all been rather pleased with the result.

However, Sarah had jokingly sworn her revenge on Chuck for “disobeying orders”. Chuck hadn’t taken her seriously until he’d seen her walk into the Buy More with an olive drab duffel bag.

“Do I even want to know what’s in there?” Morgan asked.

“I have the feeling that this is not going to be awesome,” Devin added as Chuck just shook his head.

Morgan hid their “flag” under the sofa in the home theatre lounge, and then hit the lights. Almost immediately, music began blaring from the car audio office – the women’s base.

“Liz Phair?” Morgan snorted derisively.

“Girl power music,” Devin grunted. Keeping low, he moved out. Within seconds, there was a very loud pop and a sharp thwack. A moment later, he returned to the home theatre lounge, holding his shoulder.

“They all have gas-powered AR-15 replicas,” he whined. “This is so not awesome.”

As he began counting to thirty, Chuck and Morgan moved out. Devin was right. They were putting their Desert Eagles and Colts against a replica of the civilian version of the US Army’s primary rifle. They were going to get plastered.

Perhaps it was time for a different tactic.

Chuck got as low to the ground as he could, and started crawling. He heard another “thwack” and then heard Morgan yelp. Then he heard Anna say, “I didn’t hurt you, did I, baby?” concern thick in her voice.

Make me vomit, Chuck thought.

He poked his head around a shelf – and ducked back just as quickly. Sarah was right there, at the other end of a row of DVDs, her back to him. He poked his head back out again – her back still turned.

Carefully, Chuck slid the Airsoft into the waistband of his jeans, behind his back. He stood to a crouch, and quietly moved around the corner. When he had a clear shot at Sarah, he began to run as quietly as possible, still crouched over.

He wasn’t quite quiet enough, as she heard him just before he reached her and whirled to face him – but it didn’t matter, because he was close enough that all he had to do was lunge forward, grab her midsection, and down they went.

There was a clatter of plastic as Sarah lost her grip on her AR-15 and the gas canister popped off her belt. Grabbing his Desert Eagle from behind his back, Chuck rolled toward the replica rifle, but before he could grab it, Sarah landed on top of him, rolling him onto his back, and shoving the muzzle of her own Desert Eagle against his chest – but she was quickly surprised when she discovered the muzzle of a replica Desert Eagle pushed into her stomach.

“Why Chuck,” she whispered, “is that your gun, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Ha ha, very funny, smartass,” he whispered back.

“I think you need to surrender.”

“I think YOU need to surrender,” he shot back.

“I’ll shoot you.”

“You shoot me, I’ll shoot… are you wearing night vision goggles?”

Without warning, he reached his free hand up and pulled them off her head. “Hey!” she yelled.

“Sarah? What’s going on?” Chuck heard Ellie’s voice come faintly from the direction of Sarah’s head.

“Tactical radios?!”

He pulled the earpiece from her ear – and quickly discovered that it was the entire radio. “Ooh, nifty CIA toy, and the civilian’s got it!” he said, mocking her.

“That’s it,” she growled, and pulled the trigger. But he was ready, and as soon as he heard the plastic click of her trigger, he pulled his own.

Sarah staggered back, holding her stomach, while Chuck rubbed the spot on his chest. “You suck,” she hissed.

“Bite me,” he replied.

Sarah went stomping back to her side in a huff, while Chuck returned to his. It wasn’t until she reached the car audio office that she realized…

“Goddamn sneaky bastard,” she whispered to herself, a smile on her face.

Meanwhile, Chuck was putting on his NVGs, had put the tac radio in his ear, and was hooking the gas canister to his belt. “Whoa, did you mug one of the girls?” Devin asked, as he reloaded one of his clips.

“Took Sarah down but good,” Chuck replied, a note of smug pride in his voice. Then, because he couldn’t resist, he keyed the radio.

“Hi Ellie, hi Anna,” he said. “You can call me Sarah!”

“Goddammit,” he heard Ellie say, and then the radios went dead.

“Well, I seem to have taken that advantage away from them,” Chuck whispered.

“Leave it on, dude,” Devin suggested. “You never know when they might think they’re safe to use them again.”

Chuck had long since passed thirty, so he headed out of the home theatre lounge. As he exited, he passed Morgan limping in.

“Your sister opened up on full automatic on my crotch,” he moaned.

“Ooh,” he heard Devin say. “That had to hurt.”

Chuck kept low as he headed out, scanning as he went. As he was passing the point where he had ambushed Sarah, he heard a noise to his right. He turned his head –

And the world exploded with light.

Chuck ripped the NVGs off his head, and between the spots, he could see Sarah standing at the other end of the aisle, MagLite in hand. Aiming the best that he could, he opened fire on her with the AR-15. He was pretty certain that he hit her at least once, but rather than backing down, she started running straight at him.

Dropping the gun and detaching the canister from his belt, Chuck braced himself. He still got knocked on his ass when Sarah hit him at full speed, her rather superior CIA training getting the best of him.

He went down, the wind knocked out of him, but managed to somehow kick the AR-15 out of Sarah’s reach. She tried to roll off of him and grab for it, but he wrapped his arms around her as if giving her a bear hug.

There wasn’t much she could do in such close quarters, and Chuck wasn’t about to let her go, either.

“You are really starting to piss me off,” she hissed. However, with her face so close to Chuck’s, he could see that she was smiling.

“Yeah, but you like it,” he whispered back.

“What can I say, I’m having fun,” she admitted.

“And therein lies the point.”

After a moment, it became evident that Chuck had no intention of letting go of her. “Are you going to release me, Mr. Intersect?”

“Not a chance,” Chuck replied. “As soon as I do, you’ll go diving for that gun, and I can’t have that, now can I?”

“Well, then, I might as well make the most of my situation,” she said.

“Huh?”

At that point, she leaned her face in closer, and kissed Chuck. He was so surprised that he almost let go of her. But this kiss wasn’t like the one at the pier. That one had been full of fiery passion and danger. This one was gentle and tender – and brief. But it was quickly followed with another. And another.

After a moment, Chuck released the bear hug, and slid his hands up higher, pulling Sarah as close to him as he could. He could feel her breathing growing heavy and ragged, and was sure the same thing was happening to his own.

As quickly as it started, though, it ended, as whoops and hollers sounded from Ellie and Anna and the lights went on. Unfortunately, Devin was standing no more than ten feet from Chuck and Sarah.

“Whoa!” he uttered as he saw the two tangled on the floor. “Fraternizing with the enemy, there, Chuckster?”

Sarah quickly disentangled herself from Chuck and popped up to her feet. Chuck was still a little sore from getting knocked on his ass and took longer to get up.

“Well, I guess that’s us on cleanup duty,” Morgan groused, walking up.

Devin clapped his hand on Morgan’s shoulder. “I think we should give Chuck a pass on this one,” he informed Morgan.

“What?!”

“I think Chuck’s got more important things to do,” Devin said with a smile.

Chuck smiled. “Thanks.”

He caught up to Sarah as she was loading the duffel bag into the cargo space of her Porsche. “Hey,” he called. “Sarah!”

She turned to see him, smiled and blushed red all at the same time. “Listen,” she said as he walked up to her. “I’m not sure that was the best idea I’ve ever had.”

“I think it was a fantastic idea,” Chuck replied, slipping his arms behind her back, pulling her close to him. “In fact, I think it may have in fact been THE best idea you’ve ever had.”

He initiated this kiss, and it was considerably longer and considerably more passionate this time. When they finally broke, Sarah whispered, “This is a terrible idea.”

“Who cares,” Chuck whispered back.

“Yeah… who cares.”


Seven o’clock the next morning, Morgan snuck around the back of the Bartowski apartment. Carefully, he opened the “Morgan Door”, and boosted himself up to the level of the window.

Something was not right. “Chuck?” Morgan called.

No Chuck. In fact, Chuck’s bed was still made. No clothes on the floor. No shoes next to the bed.

“What the hell is going on?”


Several miles away, an alarm clock sounded in a hotel room.

Chuck Bartowski opened his eyes – and realized that a beautiful blonde woman was sleeping next to him.

He lifted the blanket. “I appear to be naked,” he whispered. “As does Sarah.”

“I believe I am,” Sarah muttered.

She rolled out from under the covers, and strode – naked – across the room to turn off the alarm clock. She turned back and faced Chuck.

“Wow,” Chuck said.

“This is such a bad idea,” Sarah insisted, once again. A smile spread across her face.

“But I absolutely love it.”

Friday, February 22, 2008

Chuck vs. the Space Between, Chapter 3: "Point/Counterpoint"

Saturday, April 6th, 2030

8:32 AM

Redondo Beach, California

The driver’s door of the Range Rover opened.

“Get out.”

“What?”

“I’m driving. Get out. Get in another seat. Back seat, shotgun, I don’t care.”

Jack reluctantly moved.

Ianto got in, and the door slammed shut. He gripped the wheel tightly for a moment.

“Would you mind telling me what that was all about?”

“What what was all about?”

“Your BEHAVIOR in there! It was childish and asinine! Must you hit on absolutely everybody we encounter?”

“Hey, I’m sorry! I was just being me!”

“No, you were being Juan Valdez, Jack. Mal told me how much coffee you had on the flight over.”

“I was tired!”

“Jack, you KNOW what caffeine does to you!”


“Chuck, what was that all about?”

“What was what all about?”

“I can’t believe you were so cavalier about the fact that they walked in us having sex. And I also can’t believe you were going to call it ‘nookie’!”

“I’m sorry, Kaylee. I was… I guess… I don’t know. I had a flash when they walked in, and that hasn’t happened in a couple of months. I guess it just gave me a headache, made me cranky.”

“A flash is no excuse for being a jerk!”

“I was not being a jerk!”


“Okay, yes, I’m aware what caffeine does to me. I thought I could control myself, though.”

“That’s a sign of addiction, Jack. You have to admit that all power does not reside with you.”

“Ianto, I’m immortal. I think I have a bit of power.”

“But you don’t have the discipline to control it! You are undisciplined, Jack! And that is why you’re still the section commander of an outpost in Cardiff, while I’ve risen to the top of the organization!”

“Excuse me?!”

“And what’s more, why did you THINK I broke up with you? I can’t have a relationship with somebody as out-of-control and undisciplined as you are most of the time!”


“Fine, if you weren’t being a jerk, then what was that?”

“I don’t know… I guess… maybe I was just embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed about what? Having Sarah see you?”

“No, I guess I was just embarrassed about the three guys walking in on us.”

Silence.

“Chuck, why weren’t you embarrassed about Sarah seeing you?”


“Oh, I’M UNDISCIPLINED?! I’m sorry, but who drives 150 miles for a midnight snog every time he has an argument with his wife?!”

“Well, you’re one to talk, the man who spent two catatonic WEEKS in my flat after Gwen Cooper died and ends up drunk in my backyard every year on the anniversary of her death!”

Silence.

“How dare you. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU!”


“Uh… well… it’s not the first time she’s seen me naked.”

“Really.”

“Yeah.”

“And in exactly what context has she seen you naked before?”

“Well…”

“You’ve had sex with her, haven’t you.”

“Kaylee…”

“You FUCKED her, didn’t you?!”

“Kaylee, it was years ago!”

“Oh, but you held her in your arms and whispered sweet nothings in her ear, the same sweet nothings you whispered to me onboard Serenity, didn’t you?!”

“What does it matter?! Are you seriously going to stand there and tell me that I’m the only man you’ve ever slept with?!”

“THAT’S BESIDE THE POINT! THE POINT IS THAT WE’VE BEEN MARRIED FOR ELEVEN YEARS AND YOU NEVER FUCKING ONCE MENTIONED IT!”

She paused for breath.

“I have been completely honest with you about my entire life, and you never brought it upon yourself to even mention it, you gao yang jong duh goo yang!”


“I loved her, you son of a bitch!”

“She was married!”

“So?!”

“Well, Captain Harkness, that might not have mattered much to you, but it matters to some people!”

“So what are you saying, Director Jones? Are you saying that I’m a whore of some sort?”

“Well, yes, Jack, maybe I am.”

“Well, Ianto, at least I never kept any SECRETS ABOUT LOVERS FROM YOU!”

Silence.

“You’re talking about Lisa. You’re talking about Lisa, aren’t you, you piece of shit! IT’S BEEN OVER TWENTY YEARS, JACK! LET IT GO!”


“Kaylee…”

“Shut up.”

“No. I will not shut up. I need you to listen to me.”

Silence, but a shrug of acquiescence.

“I never told you about me and Sarah, because it never occurred to me to do so. I told you about the things in my life that were important. Sure, I cared about Sarah, but the sex with her… it just wasn’t something important enough to me to bring it into our relationship.”

It seemed like he was getting through, because Kaylee turned to face Chuck, a little bit of a hopeful look forming on her face.

“Did you tell Sarah about me, after you came back the first time?”

A grin slowly played across Chuck’s face.

“Every lurid detail.”


Jack realized he had crossed the line. Ianto was right. He was undisciplined, and he was taking it out on the man who was his superior and had once been his lover.

He sighed.

“Ianto… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

Ianto’s voice was cold.

“I know you didn’t, Jack. But you can’t keep doing this. You can’t keep ripping people open and then thinking they’ll forgive you. You’ve done it to me, you did it to Gwen, you did it to Martha, you even did it to the Doctor. You’ve got to stop.”

“I know.”

Ianto started up the Range Rover, put it into drive, and pulled away from the curb.


Kaylee wrapped her arms around Chuck’s neck, pulled herself up a little bit, and slowly kissed him. He returned the favor, except that his hands also started to roam up the back of her shirt.

“Knock it off, mister. I’m still a little mad at you…”

“Oh, we have the best sex when you’re mad.”

“Chuck. We have to pack. We have to figure out what we’re going to do with the kids…”

“It can wait five minutes…”

And when they reached the bedroom, she was quickly convinced that yes, indeed, it could wait five minutes.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Chuck vs. the Space Between, Chapter 2: "Pardon the Interruption"

Saturday, April 6th, 2030

8:14 AM

Redondo Beach, California

The paths that had converged to bring Chuck Bartowski and Kaylee Frye together really never should have met.

In 2007, Chuck had been a Stanford dropout, the unwilling downloader of an entire database of government secrets, and a prized government asset. Kaylee, on the other hand, had been happily living her life in the year 2518, the engineer on board Serenity.

However, the agents of Fulcrum had decided to pull a sneaky trick on Chuck and drop him into the 26th century. He had ended up on board Serenity, and while there, managed to fall in love with Kaylee, and – unbeknownst to him at the time – get her pregnant. He had then reluctantly had to return to the 21st century.

He had discovered that he was a father eleven years later, when a Fulcrum agent who had been abandoned in the 26th century managed to knock Serenity into the sky over Los Angeles. The ship crashed, and the first person Chuck encountered from the crash was his son – Charles Irving Frye, or Little Chuck (though he preferred to go by C.I. these days).

Chuck and Kaylee (who, through the vagaries of time travel, was only seven years older than she had been) had rekindled their romance, and eventually got married. They had had two more children since then – Timothy Devin Bartowski and Anna Jane Bartowski. Kaylee had almost thrown a tantrum at the idea of giving their daughter the middle name Jane, but had finally agreed to it when Chuck convinced her that it was a perfectly normal girl’s name in the 21st century, and that under no circumstances would there be a “y” in the name.

Chuck had aged grumpily, his high blood pressure removing many of his favorite foods from his diet. Kaylee, on the other hand, had aged very gracefully. Her build was just as slender as it had been when Chuck first met her, and despite a few gray hairs and a couple of laugh lines on her face, Chuck found that looking at her still got him going just as much as it had twenty-three years before.

And it was as a result of that still undeniable attraction that Kaylee had come home from her morning run, sweaty and out of breath, and moments later, found herself still sweaty and out of breath, but with considerably less clothing, perched on the edge of the kitchen sink. Chuck stood in front of her, and… well, it was a scene more suited to certain movie studios in a different part of Los Angeles.

Needless to say, this sort of recreation is often not recommended when a couple has an eighteen year old son, a ten year old son, and an eight year old daughter. The Bartowskis were about to discover this the hard way.

“Mom! Dad!” C.I.’s voice came soaring through the closed kitchen door, changing the looks on Chuck and Kaylee’s faces from those of ecstasy to those of utter panic. There was no place to run, no place to hide, and it was only going to get worse.

“Hey, Sarah and Mal are – OH MY GOD!”

The crashing sound of breaking ceramic announced the fact that C.I. had dropped his coffee mug in horror. The sight of his parents doing the horizontal hokey-pokey at a ninety degree angle had elicited a look of pure horror on his face. But that wasn’t the worst part.

The worst part was the fact that directly behind C.I. were Malcolm and Sarah Reynolds, along with two men that Chuck had not seen before. However, the sight of one of the men caused something to occur that happened with increasing rarity these days.

As Chuck experienced an Intersect flash for the first time in quite some time, he saw images of aliens, a black Range Rover, a blue police call box, and a dead man walking swim through his mind. His flash was interrupted, though, by Kaylee scrambling off the kitchen sink and encouraging Chuck to pull his pants up.

C.I. had fled the kitchen. Mal Reynolds had an amused expression on his face. Sarah had turned bright red, and of the two men standing with them, the one in the Armani suit had a look of exasperation on his face, while the one in the pseudo-military outfit had a huge grin on his face.

While Chuck situated himself, the man in the military apparel stepped forward, hand extended. “Captain Jack Harkness,” he introduced himself. “And I gotta say, that was some nice work right there.”

Chuck had no idea how to respond to that, so he simply shook Captain Harkness’ hand and said, “Chuck Bartowski.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Chuck Bartowski,” was the reply he got. “And I must say, I’m feeling a bit jealous of your… girlfriend? Wife?”

Chuck really didn’t have the first clue how to reply to that one. However, he was saved from any further thought by Kaylee stepping forward. “I’m his wife,” she answered. “Kaylee Bartowski.”

“Very nice to meet you, Kaylee,” Jack Harkness said, taking her hand and raising it to his lips. Kaylee giggled – she actually GIGGLED!, Chuck thought with annoyance – and turned red a little bit.

“Oh, would you stop it,” the man in the Armani suit said in what sounded like a distinctly Welsh accent.

“Jealous much, Ianto?” Jack snarked, turning around. “I’m just saying ‘hello’.”

“Jack, the way you say hello would get you arrested in most countries,” Ianto Jones replied. Shaking his head, he stepped forward and extended his hand. “Dr. Ianto Jones,” he said, taking Chuck’s hand in his own. “I’m director of the Torchwood Institute.”

“I know,” Chuck replied. “And Captain Harkness there –“

“Please, call me Jack.”

“- is the section commander for Torchwood Three, based in Cardiff, Wales.”

Ianto’s brow furrowed, as he gave Chuck a look of confusion. “How did you know that?”

“There’s a lot of things I know,” Chuck answered simply.

Ianto looked at him expectantly, thinking Chuck was going to say something more. When Chuck said nothing, Mal Reynolds laughed quietly. “Hoist on his own petard,” he muttered.

“Why are you all here, anyway?” Chuck asked. “I mean, Sarah, I’m sure you and Mal didn’t fly out here from D.C. just to interrupt our morning noo-“

“Chuck means we’re VERY HAPPY TO SEE YOU,” Kaylee interrupted, clapping a hand over Chuck’s mouth and giving him a filthy look.

“We certainly didn’t mean to interrupt,” Jack Harkness apologized. “Please, if you want to, continue. Don’t let us stop you.”

“JACK!” Ianto snapped. “Can I speak to you, please?”

“Absolutely,” Jack replied, his smile growing ever larger. He practically bounced through the kitchen door. Ianto rolled his eyes, blew out a frustrated sigh, and followed him.

After a moment of muffled arguing filtering through the kitchen door, Ianto came back into the kitchen alone. He stood for a moment, a bemused look on his face. Then, “How much coffee did he have on the flight over?”

“Uh, probably six or seven cups,” Sarah replied.

“Plus that big iced frapawhatever at the airport,” Mal said.

Ianto closed his eyes, visibly struggling for control. “Okay, you’ve got to understand, Jack has the adult equivalent of ADHD. Now, for most people with that, caffeine will counteract it a little, but not for him. It just makes him worse. That, and caffeine is somewhat of an aphrodisiac for him. Well, I’m convinced everything’s an aphrodisiac for him, but caffeine especially.”

Chuck looked around at the people in his kitchen. “Wait a second,” he protested. “Are you telling me that this guy is in charge of a regional section of a top secret government organization, and he’s hyper, high, and horny right now?”

Looking as though it almost pained him, Ianto slowly nodded. “He’s waiting in the car right now.”

“Yeah, that’ll work out well,” Sarah cracked.

“Was that aimed at me?” Chuck asked. “Because, you know, it’s been a few years since I was asked to wait in the car.”

“Not that it ever made a difference if you were asked to wait in the car!”

“It was boring in the car! And besides which, it seems like I was needed every time I got out of the car anyway!”

“You were being disobedient, irresponsible, and stupid!’

“It was TWENTY YEARS AGO!”

“That doesn’t change the fact that you were an idiot!”

“Hey, watch how you’re talking about my husband!” Kaylee objected.

“This isn’t your fight, stay out of it!” Sarah snapped back.

“This is my house, not yours! Don’t you dare tell me to stay out of an argument involving my husband in my kitchen!”

“WOULD YOU ALL JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Ianto roared. Mal clapped a hand over his mouth so he didn’t burst out laughing. Chuck gave Ianto an astonished look, while Sarah and Kaylee fixed each other with withering looks of death. Then Chuck had a thought.

“Sarah, where’s Lisa?”

“What?!” Sarah snapped, not breaking her gaze.

“Your daugh-ter,” Chuck said, carefully enunciating each syllable.

Sarah broke off the staring match and seemed to snap back to reality. “Uh, she’s with the family of a friend from school.”

Sensing an opening, Ianto spoke again. “Are we all done acting like kids on the playground now? Because I left my whistle back in London. Can’t really referee if you’re going to be acting like children.”

Mal spoke for the first time in a while. “This is pretty important, guys,” he said. “There seems to be a Reaver loose in Wales.”

Chuck grew immediately concerned, based on his knowledge of Reavers, but Kaylee’s reaction was even worse, as she let loose a cry of fear and collapsed to the floor.

Dropping to her side, Chuck wrapped his arms around her. “Don’t worry, babe,” he said soothingly. “Wales is several thousand miles away.”

“But if one got here, more can get here!” she practically wailed. “I thought I was safe from those things forever!”

“It’s very unlikely that more will find their way here,” Ianto reassured her. “That one happened to fall through a rift in space and time in an abandoned Firefly.”

That last word caused Kaylee to look up, her eyes widening and the expression on her face going immediately from fear to excitement. “Firefly?”

Mal couldn’t help but smile. “Oh yeah,” he said, the grin threatening to crack his face in two. “And Torchwood has requested that you and I take a look at it. They’re going to be consulting with us on the Reaver, too, but they’re going to try to track that down themselves.”

“And is Chuck coming, too?” Kaylee asked, looking hopefully at her husband. His involvement with the Omaha Project had kept them to all of two real vacations in the eleven and a half years that they had been married.

“Yes he is,” Sarah replied, a touch of annoyance still present in her voice. “By order of the DCI, he is temporarily released from the Omaha Project for secondment to Torchwood.”

“But who’s going to oversee Omaha while I’m gone?” Chuck protested. “This is a very sensitive project! I can’t just leave it alone –“

“Which is why Bryce Larkin has agreed to come out of retirement on a temporary basis,” Sarah finished.

Chuck threw his hands up in the air. “No!” he almost yelled. “There is no way I’m turning my program over to a former DCI with a touch of megalomania!”

“Chuck, he’s one of your best friends!” Sarah replied.

“And that means I can’t think he’ll run Omaha into the ground?” Chuck shot back. “This is a bad idea.”

“Well, it’s not your call, it’s mine,” was the answer. “I’m the DCI, you’re a program director. Please, just do this and don’t make me pull rank.”

“Come on, Chuck,” Kaylee pleaded. “And I bet we can get a hotel room with a deadbolt that they won’t be able to get through.”

“Well, when you put it THAT way…” Chuck deadpanned.

He looked around the kitchen, at the hopeful look on Kaylee’s face, the excited look on Mal’s, and the somewhat demanding looks on Sarah and Ianto’s. “Alright,” he finally said with a shrug. “Let’s go to Wales.”

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Chuck vs. the Space Between, Chapter 1: "We Know Everything About You"

Okay, I couldn’t resist. I have, in fact, resurrected the Chuck/Firefly crossover-verse, and I have thrown Torchwood into the mix.

I swear to God, I really, really am going to finish Chuck vs. the Pie-Maker and Sarah vs. the Vortex. I’m just having creativity issues with those.


Friday, April 5th, 2030

4:42 PM

Annapolis Junction, MD

The man exiting the Boeing complex in Annapolis Junction, Maryland, was over sixty years old but looked to be perhaps forty. It was occasionally a point of contention with his wife, who despite being nearly twenty years younger than him, looked just as old as he did. She still looked damn good, though.

He had become somewhat of an environmentalist in the last few years. After moving to the East Coast from Los Angeles, he had driven his old Ford Super Duty from home to work most of the time, but eventually, he had come to the conclusion that he was helping kill the environment by driving it fifty miles a day. The husband of one of his oldest friends had been instrumental in convincing him to stop – a fact that he sometimes found odd, given the husband’s conservative nature and his military position.

So now, he would take the bus from Boeing to the Savage MARC station, catch the bullet train down to Greenbelt, pick up his hybrid Corvette from the park and ride lot, and drive the four miles to his home near the University of Maryland. Not only did it take up less fuel and cause less pollution, but it took less time as well. Nonetheless, it practically took an act of Congress to ever get him to admit that he was better off using mass transit.

As he rode the train through Maryland suburbia, he couldn’t help but smile at the excitement around the Boeing complex lately. Five Mars missions had been successfully completed now. American Airlines was going to introduce commercial moonflight service soon – using Boeing products, of course. Never mind that the Moon was still pretty much like the Wild West, and might as well have had Al Swearengen running the show – by God, people wanted to go!

None of this was particularly novel to him. Sure, it was interesting to see the Moon being colonized, and missions to Mars becoming almost a regular occurrence – after all, he hadn’t grown up anywhere near the Moon, or Mars, or even Earth. Of course, given how much of space he’d seen, it wasn’t really a novelty for him, either – in fact he’d almost single-handedly caused two gigantic space armadas to ravage each other, all so he could broadcast a message to billions of people living on numerous planets and moons.

But then, the cruel hand of fate – helped by a couple of very nasty individuals – had dropped him and his crew into Los Angeles in 2018. His ship destroyed, they had decided to stay put and become part of modern society. He’d even married one of the government agents who had been put in place to work with his crew.

Along the way, he’d become a consultant for Boeing, and then gotten his Bachelor’s, Master’s, and Ph.D from Virginia Tech, Virginia, and Georgetown, respectively, all in fairly short order. He’d rocketed through the ranks, and was now one of Boeing’s top people on the east coast.

That didn’t keep him from feeling nostalgic sometimes. There were days when he missed the freedom of space, the downright adventure of being on the run from the government. He missed his crew – they had long since scattered to the four winds, his first officer moving to Minnesota with her husband, his engineer, doctor, and, well, muscle-for-hire staying in Los Angeles, and the doctor’s sister moving to Idaho with her husband, an Air Force general who had been tapped for command of Mountain Home Air Force Base.

He’d been happily married for eleven years. He had two wonderful children, a great job, and a beautiful home. It would’ve been difficult for his life to be better. But there were days when he wanted nothing more than to hear the rumble of the turbines vibrating through his ship, see the residual glow as the reactor lit up in its tail.

His daydreams continued all the way home. His trip down memory lane was interrupted, however, when he pulled into his driveway. A black Range Rover was parked in front of his house, a crappy government car parked behind it.

“Sarah! I’m home!” he called out as he entered the house.

“In here, Mal,” she replied.

Confused, Mal headed into the living room. He found his wife sitting on the couch, two men sitting in chairs opposite her. One was dressed impeccably in a three-piece suit, the other in what looked curiously like a World War II era pseudo-military outfit. Both men looked to be in about their mid-forties.

The one in the suit rose. “Dr. Malcolm Reynolds?” he asked.

“Yeah, that’s me,” Malcolm Reynolds, Ph.D, former captain of the Firefly-class transportSerenity, replied. “And you are?”

“I am Dr. Ianto Jones –“

Sir Ianto,” the man in the WW2 garb cracked.

Dr. Jones rolled his eyes and sighed. “Dr. Ianto Jones…” He shook his head. “K.B.E., director of the Torchwood Institute.”

The other man jumped to his feet. “Captain Jack Harkness,” he said with a smile. “Section commander, Torchwood Three. Not a Knight Commander of the British Empire myself, but I can pretend!”

Mal raised his eyebrows, almost in disbelief. He turned to his wife. Sarah Reynolds, née Walker, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency, just shook her head. Mal turned back to Dr. Jones, who seemed to have developed a look of tolerating exasperation on his face.

Mal backed into his La-Z-Boy – a piece of furniture his wife BARELY tolerated – and sat. “Ain’t Torchwood some sort of high-falutin government outfit from England that don’t really exist?” he asked. Sarah looked at him in astonishment – he delivered lectures at universities across the country, and spoke with nary a flaw in his speech, but when it suited him, he dropped back into the speech patterns he had used back in his days as an Independent.

“That’s correct,” Dr. Jones stated, as he and Captain Harkness returned to their seats. “We investigate alien presence on Earth and have a vested interest in space technology – something which you, of course, are intimately familiar with.”

Mal sat forward, holding his hands up. “Now, look, fellas, you should know better than I do that I can’t say a word about what I do at Boeing. That’s classified beyond classified, and if I spoke a peep about it, the US Government would fricassee me over the Patriot Act – that is, if my wife didn’t draw and quarter me herself first.”

Captain Harkness leaned in. The smile was gone from his face, replaced by a look of deadly seriousness. “We’re not talking about what you do at Boeing… Captain Reynolds.”

Mal kept his composure, but he felt like he had gone cold on the inside. “I’m sorry, I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about,” he replied emotionlessly.

“Captain Malcolm Reynolds, age 66,” Ianto Jones began. “Born on the planet Shadow. Enlisted in the Independent Army at the age of 32. Rose to the rank of platoon sergeant. Became a for-hire ship captain following the Alliance victory at the Battle of Serenity Valley. Purchased the Firefly-class transport Serenity.”

Captain Harkness took over. “Crew consisted of first mate Corporal Zoe Alleyne Washburne, pilot Hoban Washburne, engineer Kaywinnit Lee Frye, mercenary Jayne Cobb, Doctor Simon Tam, Shepherd Derrial Book, civilian River Tam, and Companion Inara Serra.”

“Inara Serra left your crew some time ago,” Dr. Jones said. “Hoban Washburne and Shepherd Book are both deceased. Zoe Washburne is now married to General John Casey, United States Air Force, and is living in Minneapolis. River Tam is married to General Michael Tweedum, commander of Mountain Home Air Force Base in Idaho. Simon Tam has a private practice in Los Angeles, California. Jayne Cobb owns Playboy Enterprises and lives in Bel-Air. Kaylee Frye is married to CIA program director Chuck Bartowski and lives in Redondo Beach, California.”

Jack Harkness sat back, a large smile enveloping his features. “Did we get everything right?”

Mal was stunned. He was silent for a very long moment, before he finally managed to speak. “How… in the ruttin’ hell did you know all that?” he croaked.

Ianto Jones steepled his fingers, looking at Mal over his fingertips. “Captain Reynolds… we know everything. Everything, about everybody. There is nobody on Earth who has any secrets from us.”

“Oh really,” Sarah interrupted, speaking for the first time since Mal had arrived home. “If you know everything, then what’s my real name?”

Jack Harkness looked Sarah directly in the eye. Without a word, he withdrew a business card from his breast pocket, pulled a pen from his coat, wrote something on the back of the card, and handed it to Sarah. She read the back of the card, and her eyes widened.

Then, without warning, she sprang to her feet, and had her gun out and pointed at Captain Harkness’ head. Acting on instinct, Mal followed suit, his gun aimed at Dr. Jones before he even realized what was going on.

“Alright,” Sarah spoke in a low, dangerous voice, “you have ten seconds to tell me what’s going on here.”

“Why don’t I just show you,” Ianto said in a quiet voice.

Very carefully, acting so as to not spook Sarah or Mal, he dipped two fingers into his pants pocket, and withdrew a small disc between his fingertips. When he placed the disc on the coffee table, it activated, creating a holographic image. The image was enough to cause Mal’s eyes to widen and his gun to drop.

“This Firefly-class transport fell through a time-space rift in Cardiff, Wales, last week,” Captain Harkness informed them. “We thought it was abandoned, but we eventually found about a dozen corpses stuffed into a smuggling hold. According to our chief medical officer, they had been mutilated in ways unimaginable.”

“Then we got reports from the Welsh countryside of people turning up murdered, mutilated in the same fashion,” Dr. Jones continued. “We know that you’re very familiar with the ship design, and so we figured you might know what’s going on here.”

Mal didn’t speak for a while. He was trying to figure out how to communicate to these men from Torchwood exactly how horrific a situation they had. Finally, he found it easiest to just use four simple words.

“You’ve got a Reaver.”