Chuck vs. the Future - Chapter 3: "The Trouble With the NSA"

CHAPTER THREE – The Trouble With the NSA

Chuck sat by himself in Serenity’s mess, drinking a cup of coffee and reading. He had been given two books – “A Brief History of the Alliance”, and the Holy Bible, from the possessions of a man who Mal had said had been named Shepherd Derrial Book. “He and I may not have always been on the same wavelength,” Mal had said, “but he was a good man. He helped us many, many times, and even leading up to his death, he was helping other people.”

Chuck found himself engrossed in the events that led up to the formation of the Alliance. In the early twenty-second century, a series of vicious storms and droughts had ravaged Russia, leaving the United States and China as the only true superpowers left. By the middle of the twenty-third century, Earth was practically unlivable, and so most humans had set off for other planets.

Some countries simply dissolved, but the United States and China had decided to keep their countries intact. In the late twenty-fifth century, they had decided to form an overarching Alliance that would govern all the planets that humans had colonized, forming one super-government.

There were a few thorns in the Alliance’s side – the British Empire, Japan, the breakaway Republic of Texas, and several others who called themselves Independents. However, in 2511, the Alliance had finally prevailed, defeating the Independents once and for all. They celebrated Unification Day on the day that the Independents had surrendered.

Chuck wasn’t sure whether or not he should be horrified. On the one hand, he was happy that the United States still existed in some form 500 years after he lived. On the other hand, he couldn’t believe the measures that they had taken to ensure their continued existence.

As he was reading, the one who Dr. Tam had called Jayne Cobb came in and set down across from him. He just sat, staring at Chuck for several minutes, before Chuck closed his book and spoke. “Can I help you?” he asked.

Jayne stared at him some more. “Why’d you call me Casey?” he asked.

“Because you happen to look like a guy I know,” Chuck said. “That’s all.”

“Yeah, yeah, John Casey,” Jayne said. “The doc told me. See, thing is, I been lookin’ on the Cortex, and I searched for a John Casey from 500 years ago. Found him, too.”

“You’re kidding,” Chuck said, sitting up straight in his chair.

“Nope,” Jayne replied, slapping down a piece of paper in front of Chuck. Sure enough, it was a portrait-style picture of Casey – in his Buy More uniform, no less. Chuck couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“Why’s it funny?” Jayne asked.

“Well, you see, this picture was taken of Casey in the store he worked with me at – Buy More. But he didn’t work there, not really.”

Jayne breathed a sigh of relief. “Well, hallelujah. I knew my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandpappy wasn’t no electronics store clerk.”

Chuck’s jaw dropped. “Wait a second. Did you just say that John Casey was one of your ancestors?”

“Damn skippy,” Jayne said.

Then Chuck had a further revelation. “Oh my God,” he gasped. “That means Casey had kids.”

Jayne gave him a sort of cock-eyed look. “Yeah… that a problem?”

“No, no,” Chuck said quickly, backpedaling a bit. “It’s just… Casey never seemed like the type to have a family… he’s married to his work, and he works for the National Security Agency…”

Now it was Jayne’s turn to have his jaw drop. “You’re kidding me. He worked for the NSA?”

“You know about the NSA?” Chuck asked in surprise.

“Are you joking? The NSA’s the biggest rutting bunch of sleazeballs and rats to ever come out of the Alliance intelligence services.”

Jayne sighed unhappily. “It might’ve been better if he were workin’ at the electronics store.”

“No, no,” Chuck said, trying again to reassure Jayne. “Casey’s a good man – he’s not a bad person, he just loves his country and is trying to protect it.”

But Jayne was having none of it. He got up from the table unhappily, and grumped off, muttering as he went, “Can’t believe I’m the relative of a gorram NSA slime.”

“Well… crap,” Chuck sighed unhappily, as Jayne receded from view. He turned back to his book, sighing heavily, just in time to see Kaylee Frye slide into the seat Jayne had just vacated.

“Hi!” she said brightly. “What are you reading?”

“A Brief History of the Alliance,” Chuck mock-proclaimed. “Fascinating bit of reading. If you like tyranny and dictatorships.”

“Nothing like it,” Kaylee said with a smile. “There’s a reason I came out here and joined these crazy Independents.

“Anyway,” she continued, “what did you say to Jayne to make him go stomping off looking like he was about to cry?”

“Well,” Chuck explained, “when I crashed into the ship, I saw him briefly, and mistook him for a guy I knew by the name of John Casey. Well, Jayne went searching for information on Casey, and found out that he was his something like fourteen-times great-grandfather.”

“Well isn’t that something!” Kaylee exclaimed. “You had a connection to our ragtag little crew, and you didn’t even know it!”

Then she stopped and frowned. “But that doesn’t explain why he was so upset.”

“Well,” Chuck hesitated. “You see, I told him that John Casey worked for the National Security Agency.”

Kaylee’s eyes went wide and she clapped her hands to her mouth. “You can’t tell somebody that!” she said in a shocked whisper. “Saying that one of somebody’s ancestors worked for the NSA is like saying they’re an outcast!”

“I didn’t know that!” Chuck responded. “And Casey really did work for the NSA! But he was a good guy! I worked with him, and everything he did was for his country and to protect people!”

“If you say so,” Kaylee replied, apparently unconvinced.

“Can we just drop it?” Chuck asked. “Can we talk about something else?”

Kaylee thought for a moment, and then nodded. “Okay,” she said. “What do you want to talk about?”

“Well,” Chuck thought for a moment. “I noticed that you guys’ celebration of Christmas was a little… well, sparse. Why is that?”

“You see,” Kaylee said, “right before humans left Earth, a really conservative sect of Christians took over the United States government, and they outlawed all holidays except for Christmas and Easter, and those they insisted on stripping down to religious basics. Now, those laws were tossed out the window when the Alliance was formed – freedom of religion and all that – but it’s just so ingrained in everybody’s head that the only other holiday we even celebrate is New Year’s Day.”

“You’re kidding,” Chuck said. “No Halloween? No St. Patrick’s Day? No Valentine’s Day?”

“Nope,” Kaylee said solemnly. “I have no idea what any of those are, but I like the sound of Valentine’s Day. What’s that?”

“Well, originally, it was this celebration of a guy named Valentine who had sent letters from prison on leaves shaped like hearts,” Chuck said.

Then he stopped. “How the hell did I know… oh, right, the Intersect.”

Kaylee looked at him, confused. “The Inter-what?”

Chuck looked at her, apprehension written all over his face. “Well… um… hmm.”

He stopped. “I guess… I guess the best way to describe it is that I have a supercomputer in my head with all the knowledge of the different United States intelligence services up through September 25th, 2007.”

Kaylee’s eyes widened in wonder. “Really?! That is so… cool!”

Chuck laughed sarcastically. “Yeah… you aren’t the one with the computer inside your head. And people after you who send you 500 years into the future so that you can’t be put to use.”

“That’s why you ended up here?” Kaylee asked. Chuck nodded, and Kaylee seemed to shrink back into herself. “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…”

“No, no, it’s okay,” Chuck said hurriedly. “You didn’t know. Listen, why don’t I finish telling you about Valentine’s Day?”

“Okay!” Kaylee said, a little bit of her bright disposition returning.

“So, anyway, it was originally just a way for the Church to celebrate the life of this saint, but in the twentieth century, a greeting card company decided it would be a great way to make money, and they turned it into this holiday where people tell their boyfriends or girlfriends or life partners or whatever how much they love them, and blah blah blah. There’s billions of dollars spent every year on cards and chocolates and roses –“

“Roses?” Kaylee interrupted. “You mean the red flowers from Earth?”

“Yeah,” Chuck replied. “Have you ever seen one?”

“Well, only in pictures,” Kaylee said. “They tried growing them on some of the terraformed planets, but they were one of the species that wouldn’t grow off-Earth, and so they’re extinct now. I wish they weren’t – they were really pretty.”

“Wow,” Chuck said. “That’s actually… kind of sad. I’m not a really romantic sort of guy, but to think of there not being any roses… huh.”

“So, do you have somebody you celebrate Valentine’s Day with?” Kaylee asked.

Chuck laughed, a little bitterness evident. “Funny you should ask,” he replied dryly. “There’s this girl – her name is Sarah – we’re friends, but we both know we like each other. The thing is, she’s from the Central Intelligence Agency –“

“The what?” Kaylee asked.

“The Cent- wait, are you telling me the NSA survived and the CIA didn’t?” Chuck asked.

“I don’t know,” Kaylee said. “I’ve never heard of the CIA.”

“Well that sucks,” Chuck said. “Anyway, she works for the CIA, and she’s kind of my protector, and she doesn’t feel like she can let our friendship go any further without compromising her job, so we agreed to just be friends. But here’s the thing.

“A little while back, we were in a situation where she thought we were both gonna die, and so she basically decided ‘The hell with it’ and kissed me. And it was a GREAT kiss. I’m talking this kiss was better than sex, pretty much.”

Kaylee’s jaw dropped. “Woowwww…” she uttered. “That must’ve been one hell of a kiss.”

“Yeah, it was,” Chuck said, a smile on his face as he remembered the kiss. Then his smile faded as he remembered what happened right after that.

“But she decided it was a mistake, and so we’re just friends, which… well, which kind of sucks. But I understand why.”

“At least you understand,” Kaylee said. “There’s this guy… well, you met him – Dr. Tam. It’s been months now, but there was one day, when we were in the engine room – and, well, one thing led to another, and let’s say the engines weren’t the only things creating thrust in there.”

“Oh, that was bad,” Chuck groaned. “Come on, if you’re going to make sex jokes, they can’t be that cheesy.”

“Hey, I’m a mechanic, not a comedian,” Kaylee snapped. “I’m doing my best here.

“But anyway, so Simon and I were real close for a few days, and then all of a sudden, it was right back to being just friends again, and it’s been like that for months.”

Chuck opened his mouth to reply, but before he could say anything, an alarm sounded.

“This is the Captain,” Mal’s disembodied voice sounded from the intercoms. “We have a Reaver ship coming up behind us. It doesn’t seem to know that we’re here, and I think it would be best if it stays that way. Kaylee, get to the engine room, shut everything down. River, Zoe, please come to the bridge.”

Kaylee muttered something in Chinese. Chuck had no idea what it was, but it didn’t sound pleasant. “What’s going on?” he said.

“Reavers,” Kaylee said simply, standing up and dashing out of the mess. Chuck had to run to catch up with her, and by the time he did, he was out of breath.

“What- are- Reavers?” he gasped, struggling to keep pace with her.

“Madmen,” she said simply. “Space cannibals. They went to the edge of known space and went crazy. If they get hold of you, they’ll rape and beat you to death, eat your flesh, and string you up. If you’re lucky, the dying part comes in the first stage.”

“Jesus Christ!” Chuck gasped in shock. “What the hell do we do?!”

“Well, what I do is work my magic on the engines to make sure they don’t get hold of us, if they decide to chase us,” Kaylee said. “What you do is strap yourself into that chair on the wall and hang on.”

“No problem!” Chuck said, strapping himself into the chair mounted against the wall. “Please God don’t let me die,” he muttered.

Kaylee quickly shut down the engines, and the noise in the engine room dropped to practically zero. The lights dimmed very low, but even then, Chuck could see the fear on Kaylee’s face.